Ugggghhhhhhh .....darn that goal

Here it is.....*big sigh*.....day 74...........the BIG goal...no news to report sadly. I was very motivated and excited the first 40 days. I must admit that I veered off the road of focus a few times since then. Life always seems to happen in the middle of great pursuits. Day 74 finds me back at day 1 and the point of frustration that precludes setting a big goal. But, I am happy to report that I will not be dismayed. Back on the road again, trudging along. Many people have been asking me about this elusive goal. Why am I so secretive you may ask? Trust! I simply do not trust myself and quite frankly I fear that if I confess my goal then I may have to admit that I didn't stay focused to the end. Actually, this really isn't about confessing to anyone or attempting to attain success for the world to dole out adulations for my endeavour. I really want to achieve this goal for some deep personal reasons. I am picking myself up off the ground and getting back to work. I've decided to add more prayer this time. I think that may improve my results.

The Goal

Forty days ago I woke up and decided to start working on a goal. Most days I have stuck to my plan but I have to confess that other days have been quite difficult to stay on track. But I am determined to meet the goal. During the last forty days I have also discovered that God is working on me in a new way. I am seeing life in a different perspective. I can't really explain the change because I don't really understand how to describe it. The world around me seems a little brighter and I have a clarity that I've never known before. Each day I seem to have experienced this overwhelming gratitude for my life. For some odd reason my eyes have been opened to the blessings that surround me and it takes my breath away. Its absolutely awesome. I'm trusting God like I've never trusted Him before. I'm seeing His work in my life and sitting back expecting great things. Its very cool!

Life

A lot has been happening around me lately that is challenging the way I think about my life. I recently found out that a high school classmate lost her battle with breast cancer. I didn't know her, but several comments left on the posting make it clear that she had an affect on other people during her brief time on this earth. Then I randomly clicked on a link in facebook to discover another young women is battling cancer. I don't know her directly but her father in law used to be my pastor. I read some of her blog and it is apparent that she is confidently trusting God in the situation. Moments like this grab my attention. I think "what if?" I could wake up one day and have an illness that could completely change everything. I am confronted with self evaluation and wonder how I might handle a similiar prognosis. The older I get the more I am becoming aware of my own mortality. Anything could happen at any given time. I suppose that I am comforted by the fact that I have assurance of where I'm going. Nevertheless, sometimes I get lost in the "what if that was me" question. I have discovered that I like to have answers, but the reality is that not everything in life has an answer. Some things are meant to be a mystery. I find myself welling up with tears for the families that lose their loved ones so early. At least in my mind when someone dies without living a long life it seems so sad. Maybe my viewpoint is all wrong. I have heard it said that if we truly understood heaven, then people would be jumping off buildings to get there. I don't know about that. I also read someones quote (sorry, can't remember who) that said "if you are still alive then you know that God isn't done with you yet." So I suppose that life can be a mystery. Live each day, be your best, God will take care of the rest.

Simplifying Isn't Necessarily Simple

I have come to the conclusion that it is time to simplify my life. The last few years have been so overwhelming that I am ready to scale back and slow down. I feel caught in a never ending battle with the mountains of laundry and dishes, I'm consistently nagged by the growing stack of paper and bills at the end of my kitchen counter (I hate filing) and at every corner of our house there is a project waiting to be finished or begging us to begin. Its enough to make a sane person nuts. At the end of the day I am left feeling completely exhausted with little energy to do anything for myself. I have finally surrendered to the thought that something has to give. So, this overworked and stressed out Mom Googled "simple life." Now in this world of sustainability sages and green gurus you would think that there would be at least one simplicity website that is actually simple. If they are out there, then the Google guys have not found them. It seems to me that if a person is looking to simplify their life then the last thing they want to do is read long, drawn out articles on the simple life in order to find some nuggets of practical advice. Most of the sites I found were full of words. In fact, I was overwhelmed the minute the sites appeared onto the screen. Shouldn't a website on simplicity be....I don't know...SIMPLE? I suppose that it really is not a difficult concept. Simple means simple. I have to evaluate what is really important to me and eliminate anything that isn't. For example, I love my home, but it is a lot of work. I don't plan on moving anytime soon, but I have decided that we have way to much stuff. My first step in simplifying is to begin spending the next month cleaning out my home. This isn't rock science and I periodically do this anyways. But this time I want to include simple ways to keep things less cluttered....I need to create some new habits that will help me avoid non-stop cleaning. I need time back for myself and I'm the only one that can make that happen since I am the only neat freak in my household. During my simple search I did find one idea that I want to try. I found an article that talked about taking a home vacation. The idea was to think about what you like about going away on vacation. Do you like the hotel room, the destination or being pampered? Take those ideas and think about how you can incorporate them into your daily life. Set a date that you want to begin your vacation and then look for ways to make it happen. If the difficulty is that your home is the last place you think of when you say vacation, then begin with making your home less distracting. For example, if the paperwork bothers you, then work to eliminate the paperwork before the date you have set for your home vacation. The goal is to try and reduce or eliminate distraction. Next step is to unplug; no cell phones, laptops, t.v.'s, etc. I think that is self explanatory so I won't elaborate. If the bills really get you distracted then go to your post office and stop your mail for two weeks as if you are actually going out of town. Be sure to pay all your bills before your vacation so that you don't need to worry about your mail or getting online. Write yourself a note if you need to so you can see that each bill has been paid and you don't need to stress. Lastly, the article says to be your own concierge. The author had some ideas on this one, but my interpretation is a little different. Since I like the whole hotel experience I would stock my bathroom with spa items like big fluffy towels. I have collected a ton of hotel soaps and shampoos from past trips, so I would put my regular stuff away and set out the mini bottles each day. That way I will actually use up all those mini bottles collecting dust and I can begin collecting again. Of course my bathroom would get a good cleaning before my planned vacation. Since vacation to me also includes stress free meals I would plan several meals out at my favorite restaurants (after all, I'm not paying for a hotel or rental car.) For the rest of the time I would cook and freeze at least two weeks worth of meals and buy several items for a daily "complimentary" continental breakfast. I may even buy some mini chocolate mints for my pillow. During the day it will be business as usual, but I will plan my weekends during my "vacation" period to be peaceful and full of leisurely activities (or no activities at all.) At least two of the weekends during my vacation I will plan for babysitters. Activities will include several outings to local attractions. In Houston we are fortunate to have a plethora of choices. So, I really like the home vacation idea. It incorporates fun into life but also keeps the budget in check and doesn't severely interrupt daily life. I think the ultimate goal is that in planning a home vacation, you may also find ideas that help you make every day life simply. It may sound goofy and definitely not a substitute for a get away vacation. But by taking a home vacation I think that I could change the monotony of the regular routine and perhaps begin to develop habits that may make my life a little easier and fun at the same time. I'll try it out and blog my findings. In the spirit of simplicity, I'll end here, but my simple life experiment is only just beginning. I will start my home vacation the week after my second oldest graduates June 7, 2009. Stay tuned.

Let your actions speak so Loud

There is a saying that I heard several years ago that said "let your actions speak so loud I cannot hear what you say." I don't know where I heard it, but it made a lot of sense to me. I grew up in the era where children where told to "do as I say, not as I do." Even as a kid I recognized the statement to be a little unfair but I didn't have the capacity to understand that it was simple hypocrisy. This is the very reason that Christians are called to the carpet. The world will quickly point out when we are acting contrary to the scriptures we like to tout. So often we drivel on and on about what we profess to believe, but lack the fortitude to do anything about it. We like to quote scriptures and get into nonsensical debate about how we are right about this and that,but when it comes to living it out the testament numbers dwindle. In one breath a scripture is quoted and in the next a profanity. The dichotomy is a direct reflection into the heart of men. In other words, when we become a believer (aka Christians) our sin nature doesn't automatically disappear. But if we are growing and maturing Christians, it shouldn't be easy to profess the one and not feel ashamed of the other. Growing as a Christian has nothing to do with posting a scripture on our Facebook or MySpace. It doesn't mean that we simply go to church every Sunday and put on our moral face mask. Where the rubber meets the road is in the daily routine of life.

I went to Wednesday night service tonight and I have to admit that I didn't really want to be there. I fidgeted in my sit throughout the entire sermon. My mind kept drifting to my budget, then on a project for work and then to the weekend plans. Everytime this happens I have to force myself to pay attention. I have learned that the more I am feeling distracted or reluctant to be at church or to listen to a sermon, the more I have to fight to attend or pay attention. I know that there is something that I need to hear, otherwise I would not be feeling so incredibly distracted. I was on the edge of my seat tonight ready to run for the door. But, I stayed the course. The last bullet point to the lesson was that relationships are essential for reaching people for the gospel. I know that isn't a huge aww haaa moment, but there is more. I've begun to realize that God is trying to tell me that nothing really matters in this life other than relationships. When God is trying to drive a point home with me His spirit usually confirms the point by repeating the same "message" to me in different ways. Sometimes it is in my scripture reading, a radio message or a bullet point in a sermon. I can usually count on the fact that if I have heard it three times, then He wants me to pay attention. The last twenty or more years of my life I have had a myriad of rocky relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. (Though one of them was a failed marriage.) As I look back I realize that I have to take a long, hard look at my role in those relationships. I was listening to one of my favorite Christian counselors on the radio today (June Hunt) and she was talking about co-dependency and what we have to do when we have allowed ourselves to be in bad relationships. She used the analogy of a surgeon that has just informed a patient that they have cancer. Now, the surgeon could say "oh, you have cancer but I don't want to cause you any pain so I won't operate" or "you have cancer, therefore we need to operate. It may hurt, but we need to get the cancer out so you will be better." The same thing is true when it comes to relationships. Its important to look at ourselves and determine the things that we need to remove in our lives that have resulted in bad decisions or even bad relationships. The process may hurt, but in the end it is for our good. If you read the Bible for any length of time it is easy to see that God's primary goal and ultimate "purpose" for our life is relationships. Primarily our relationship with God through his Son, Jesus is first and foremost and everything else flows from that. Others become our next focus so that our lives may represent something different and we are able to give God the glory. But instead of taking on the endeavour of building relationships we decide that it is so much easier to quote scripture and get our religious armament stocked. We like to have battles and wage war and ignore our true purpose. Scripture tells us clearly that the battle is not ours to wage. The battle is the Lords. Instead, we are to rely on him and our daily lives should be a reflection of that relationship. As we grow and mature we begin to empty ourselves of selfish ambitions to reach out to a hurting and dying world. This takes time though and most of us want everything in an instant; instant messaging, instant pudding, instant coffee, instant Christianity. I have some work to do on this one myself. I enjoy instant gratification just like everyone else. Relationships take work and quite frankly they are difficult for me. I also have many battle scars to overcome. It takes time to build relationships and even more time to rebuild them. But as I live in the reflection of Jesus, my actions will speak louder than any words that I say. Just my thoughts on this ordinary Wednesday evening.

Rainy Friday

Its late Friday afternoon and its raining. I'm sitting in my car typing this blog on my laptop while I wait for my daughters bus. About two years ago we enrolled Jaime at Texas School for the Deaf. TSD is located in Austin, Texas. It was a difficult decision for me to make because it meant that Jaime would attend school in Austin for the week, stay in a dorm and then return home every weekend. It is parenting long distance. So many factors are involved, but I'll save that for another blog. The school charters a bus every weekend to send the kids to their home towns on Friday and then they send the bus back every Sunday to pick them up and take them back to Austin. Its quite an endeavour. The drawback is that I have to take her to the drop off location which is located about 30 minutes from our house and also pick her up every Friday afternoon. My office isn't too far from the drop/pick up site, so I usually try to finish my Fridays at the office so I'm able to meet her in time. Thankfully the drop off location is at a McDonalds/Chevron. The McDonalds has wifi, so I'm able to get on the Internet while I wait. Now that I've explained that, I'm sitting here watching the rain and waiting. The bus is late and I imagine that is attributed to the whether. Rain is like that. It tends to slow things down, cause delays. I've had some bad experiences in the rain. I was hit by a car that ran a red light. It just happened to be raining when I was hit and the slick conditions caused my car to spin. I can't say for sure how long I was spinning, but it seemed like a dozen times. I was okay, but my car wasn't. That was several years ago, but I'm still scarred by the experience. I have a tendency to look both ways at a four way even when my light is green. I'm cautious just in case there is some person not paying attention. In contrast, rain also has a calming affect on me. I love to sit inside on a rainy day, drink a cup of tea or coffee and read a good book (assuming that I am alone in the house and everyone is gone of course) or take a nap (which I rarely do.) Rainy days make me stop "doing." Anyone who knows me well understands that sitting still is not easy for me to do. The rain forces me to stop. It gives me permission to rest. I like that. I need it too. Happy rainy Friday. Jaimes bus has arrived.

New Life...out with the old...in with the new

This week has been interesting. I really wanted to have some deep introspection during holy week, but instead I found trouble hitting me from all sides. I must admit that I have felt very defeated and even a bit angry. I have found life to be very disappointing. I think that is exactly what the enemy doesn't want me to have, deep introspection, especially when the focus is on my saviour. At the same time, most of my disappointments have come from the choices I've made so I'm not sure if I am angry at anyone by myself. Have you ever tried to be angry at yourself? Trust me when I say its not very productive. So how does someone go in a different direction? If life has handed you lemons can you really make "lemonade?" I suppose that the only way to answer that is to look at yourself. I've had to. I've found myself in a miry, muddy pit and each step seems to take enormous effort. So change is in order. My motivation is almost non-existent but the converse to not being motivated is to stay in the pit. So I suppose my real motivation is the reality of where I am. Change is never easy. If it were, everyone would do it. This week has not brought me the enlightenment that I had expected. I wanted "wow" or "amazing" but instead I got a still small voice that said "go in this direction." So, go I will.....once again...its that obedience factor. It won't be easy but I will not do it in my own strength. Again, loss of control is never easy. We will see what happens....updates to follow. Happy Easter!