Let your actions speak so Loud

There is a saying that I heard several years ago that said "let your actions speak so loud I cannot hear what you say." I don't know where I heard it, but it made a lot of sense to me. I grew up in the era where children where told to "do as I say, not as I do." Even as a kid I recognized the statement to be a little unfair but I didn't have the capacity to understand that it was simple hypocrisy. This is the very reason that Christians are called to the carpet. The world will quickly point out when we are acting contrary to the scriptures we like to tout. So often we drivel on and on about what we profess to believe, but lack the fortitude to do anything about it. We like to quote scriptures and get into nonsensical debate about how we are right about this and that,but when it comes to living it out the testament numbers dwindle. In one breath a scripture is quoted and in the next a profanity. The dichotomy is a direct reflection into the heart of men. In other words, when we become a believer (aka Christians) our sin nature doesn't automatically disappear. But if we are growing and maturing Christians, it shouldn't be easy to profess the one and not feel ashamed of the other. Growing as a Christian has nothing to do with posting a scripture on our Facebook or MySpace. It doesn't mean that we simply go to church every Sunday and put on our moral face mask. Where the rubber meets the road is in the daily routine of life.

I went to Wednesday night service tonight and I have to admit that I didn't really want to be there. I fidgeted in my sit throughout the entire sermon. My mind kept drifting to my budget, then on a project for work and then to the weekend plans. Everytime this happens I have to force myself to pay attention. I have learned that the more I am feeling distracted or reluctant to be at church or to listen to a sermon, the more I have to fight to attend or pay attention. I know that there is something that I need to hear, otherwise I would not be feeling so incredibly distracted. I was on the edge of my seat tonight ready to run for the door. But, I stayed the course. The last bullet point to the lesson was that relationships are essential for reaching people for the gospel. I know that isn't a huge aww haaa moment, but there is more. I've begun to realize that God is trying to tell me that nothing really matters in this life other than relationships. When God is trying to drive a point home with me His spirit usually confirms the point by repeating the same "message" to me in different ways. Sometimes it is in my scripture reading, a radio message or a bullet point in a sermon. I can usually count on the fact that if I have heard it three times, then He wants me to pay attention. The last twenty or more years of my life I have had a myriad of rocky relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. (Though one of them was a failed marriage.) As I look back I realize that I have to take a long, hard look at my role in those relationships. I was listening to one of my favorite Christian counselors on the radio today (June Hunt) and she was talking about co-dependency and what we have to do when we have allowed ourselves to be in bad relationships. She used the analogy of a surgeon that has just informed a patient that they have cancer. Now, the surgeon could say "oh, you have cancer but I don't want to cause you any pain so I won't operate" or "you have cancer, therefore we need to operate. It may hurt, but we need to get the cancer out so you will be better." The same thing is true when it comes to relationships. Its important to look at ourselves and determine the things that we need to remove in our lives that have resulted in bad decisions or even bad relationships. The process may hurt, but in the end it is for our good. If you read the Bible for any length of time it is easy to see that God's primary goal and ultimate "purpose" for our life is relationships. Primarily our relationship with God through his Son, Jesus is first and foremost and everything else flows from that. Others become our next focus so that our lives may represent something different and we are able to give God the glory. But instead of taking on the endeavour of building relationships we decide that it is so much easier to quote scripture and get our religious armament stocked. We like to have battles and wage war and ignore our true purpose. Scripture tells us clearly that the battle is not ours to wage. The battle is the Lords. Instead, we are to rely on him and our daily lives should be a reflection of that relationship. As we grow and mature we begin to empty ourselves of selfish ambitions to reach out to a hurting and dying world. This takes time though and most of us want everything in an instant; instant messaging, instant pudding, instant coffee, instant Christianity. I have some work to do on this one myself. I enjoy instant gratification just like everyone else. Relationships take work and quite frankly they are difficult for me. I also have many battle scars to overcome. It takes time to build relationships and even more time to rebuild them. But as I live in the reflection of Jesus, my actions will speak louder than any words that I say. Just my thoughts on this ordinary Wednesday evening.

Rainy Friday

Its late Friday afternoon and its raining. I'm sitting in my car typing this blog on my laptop while I wait for my daughters bus. About two years ago we enrolled Jaime at Texas School for the Deaf. TSD is located in Austin, Texas. It was a difficult decision for me to make because it meant that Jaime would attend school in Austin for the week, stay in a dorm and then return home every weekend. It is parenting long distance. So many factors are involved, but I'll save that for another blog. The school charters a bus every weekend to send the kids to their home towns on Friday and then they send the bus back every Sunday to pick them up and take them back to Austin. Its quite an endeavour. The drawback is that I have to take her to the drop off location which is located about 30 minutes from our house and also pick her up every Friday afternoon. My office isn't too far from the drop/pick up site, so I usually try to finish my Fridays at the office so I'm able to meet her in time. Thankfully the drop off location is at a McDonalds/Chevron. The McDonalds has wifi, so I'm able to get on the Internet while I wait. Now that I've explained that, I'm sitting here watching the rain and waiting. The bus is late and I imagine that is attributed to the whether. Rain is like that. It tends to slow things down, cause delays. I've had some bad experiences in the rain. I was hit by a car that ran a red light. It just happened to be raining when I was hit and the slick conditions caused my car to spin. I can't say for sure how long I was spinning, but it seemed like a dozen times. I was okay, but my car wasn't. That was several years ago, but I'm still scarred by the experience. I have a tendency to look both ways at a four way even when my light is green. I'm cautious just in case there is some person not paying attention. In contrast, rain also has a calming affect on me. I love to sit inside on a rainy day, drink a cup of tea or coffee and read a good book (assuming that I am alone in the house and everyone is gone of course) or take a nap (which I rarely do.) Rainy days make me stop "doing." Anyone who knows me well understands that sitting still is not easy for me to do. The rain forces me to stop. It gives me permission to rest. I like that. I need it too. Happy rainy Friday. Jaimes bus has arrived.

New Life...out with the old...in with the new

This week has been interesting. I really wanted to have some deep introspection during holy week, but instead I found trouble hitting me from all sides. I must admit that I have felt very defeated and even a bit angry. I have found life to be very disappointing. I think that is exactly what the enemy doesn't want me to have, deep introspection, especially when the focus is on my saviour. At the same time, most of my disappointments have come from the choices I've made so I'm not sure if I am angry at anyone by myself. Have you ever tried to be angry at yourself? Trust me when I say its not very productive. So how does someone go in a different direction? If life has handed you lemons can you really make "lemonade?" I suppose that the only way to answer that is to look at yourself. I've had to. I've found myself in a miry, muddy pit and each step seems to take enormous effort. So change is in order. My motivation is almost non-existent but the converse to not being motivated is to stay in the pit. So I suppose my real motivation is the reality of where I am. Change is never easy. If it were, everyone would do it. This week has not brought me the enlightenment that I had expected. I wanted "wow" or "amazing" but instead I got a still small voice that said "go in this direction." So, go I will.....once again...its that obedience factor. It won't be easy but I will not do it in my own strength. Again, loss of control is never easy. We will see what happens....updates to follow. Happy Easter!

Passion

I have decided to observe Lent this week. I know it is a little late to begin the observance, but I am pretty sure that I don't have the discipline to abstain from any one thing for forty days. Six days seems to be more doable. I am actually a protestant, so observing an official liturgical calendar is a voluntary endeavour. Nevertheless, something in me likes the notion of giving up something or denying oneself to reflect. I love the Easter season. I think that of all the holidays this is the one that causes a deeper reflection. I often ponder what that week must have been like for Jesus. I suppose scripture gives us all we need to know. Jesus started the week riding in town on a donkey (which fulfilled prophecy believe it or not) and was cheered by the crowds "Hosanna, Hosanna! He ended the week in unmerited humiliation as the crowds spat on him and this time they yelled "crucify, crucify" (prophecy fulfilled again.) What a paradox! Somewhere in between Jesus prayed and asked the Father to "take this cup from me, yet not my will but thine be done." I think of how deeply Jesus prayed, so much so that his perspiration was tinged with blood. I don't know if I can fathom praying so hard that your blood vessels break. I know I have never prayed that deeply before. Jesus knew what he was called to do and I can't imagine the agony he was feeling in the garden. Yet, he said "not my will but thine be done. " I think that is the reality I am pondering this Easter season. So much of what I am called to do is not necessarily what I want to do. But I am learning how to pray "not my will Lord, but your will be done." It is easier said than done. But, Jesus endured the cross for my sake. I will never experience the suffering that He endured. I will never face the same rejection, humiliation, and disgrace that was placed upon his shoulders. So this week I will decide to deny myself. I will take up my cross and I will reflect on the sacrifice made for me. It isn't a great effort, but I suppose it is better than no effort at all. The beautiful thing is that Jesus' effort was enough. My debt "paid in full." I wonder if others are as reflective as I am this week. I wonder if others are taking some time to be more fully aware of the price that was paid. On the other hand, I also realize that this week will not mean anything other than bunnies and chocolate to some. And still there are others that will continue to despise him, spit on his name and refuse to accept the merciful grace that he so freely gives. My prayer is that this week I will walk a little closer to Him and share, in my own very small and insignificant way, His passion.

Se la Vie

Nothing replaces sleep. Lately my life has been so busy that restful sleep seems to allude me. To make matters worse my household has had a case of the flu (thankfully not of the regurgitation variety.) The all night coughing and general misery has caused many sleepless nights. Finally my body said "enough!" I went to bed last night feeling an exhaustion that can only be cured by a very deep Rem experience. I am happy to report that I achieved recuperative rest. Of course, now that I have successfully recharged my battery, the list of things to do awaits me. I don't know that anything on my list is necessarily life altering, but nevertheless they are things that need to be completed at some point. My driven personality and new sense of energy causes me to think that I can tackle my list and achieve optimal completion of at least half of the items dutifully numbered in order of priority. Ha! Deep down I know better, but I will still exhaust my new found energy in the attempt to check things off the preverbial list. By the end of the day the light on my dashboard will begin to flash with the nagging "you're almost on empty" signal and I will once again be reminded that I can't "do it all" in one day. Sleep will beckon and beg me to put down the list so I can refuel my battery. It seems to be a viscious cycle. Of course, blogging is not one of the things that I "must" do, so I suppose its time to refocus. Oh well.. Se la vie!