Ugggghhhhhhh .....darn that goal

Here it is.....*big sigh*.....day 74...........the BIG goal...no news to report sadly. I was very motivated and excited the first 40 days. I must admit that I veered off the road of focus a few times since then. Life always seems to happen in the middle of great pursuits. Day 74 finds me back at day 1 and the point of frustration that precludes setting a big goal. But, I am happy to report that I will not be dismayed. Back on the road again, trudging along. Many people have been asking me about this elusive goal. Why am I so secretive you may ask? Trust! I simply do not trust myself and quite frankly I fear that if I confess my goal then I may have to admit that I didn't stay focused to the end. Actually, this really isn't about confessing to anyone or attempting to attain success for the world to dole out adulations for my endeavour. I really want to achieve this goal for some deep personal reasons. I am picking myself up off the ground and getting back to work. I've decided to add more prayer this time. I think that may improve my results.

The Goal

Forty days ago I woke up and decided to start working on a goal. Most days I have stuck to my plan but I have to confess that other days have been quite difficult to stay on track. But I am determined to meet the goal. During the last forty days I have also discovered that God is working on me in a new way. I am seeing life in a different perspective. I can't really explain the change because I don't really understand how to describe it. The world around me seems a little brighter and I have a clarity that I've never known before. Each day I seem to have experienced this overwhelming gratitude for my life. For some odd reason my eyes have been opened to the blessings that surround me and it takes my breath away. Its absolutely awesome. I'm trusting God like I've never trusted Him before. I'm seeing His work in my life and sitting back expecting great things. Its very cool!

Life

A lot has been happening around me lately that is challenging the way I think about my life. I recently found out that a high school classmate lost her battle with breast cancer. I didn't know her, but several comments left on the posting make it clear that she had an affect on other people during her brief time on this earth. Then I randomly clicked on a link in facebook to discover another young women is battling cancer. I don't know her directly but her father in law used to be my pastor. I read some of her blog and it is apparent that she is confidently trusting God in the situation. Moments like this grab my attention. I think "what if?" I could wake up one day and have an illness that could completely change everything. I am confronted with self evaluation and wonder how I might handle a similiar prognosis. The older I get the more I am becoming aware of my own mortality. Anything could happen at any given time. I suppose that I am comforted by the fact that I have assurance of where I'm going. Nevertheless, sometimes I get lost in the "what if that was me" question. I have discovered that I like to have answers, but the reality is that not everything in life has an answer. Some things are meant to be a mystery. I find myself welling up with tears for the families that lose their loved ones so early. At least in my mind when someone dies without living a long life it seems so sad. Maybe my viewpoint is all wrong. I have heard it said that if we truly understood heaven, then people would be jumping off buildings to get there. I don't know about that. I also read someones quote (sorry, can't remember who) that said "if you are still alive then you know that God isn't done with you yet." So I suppose that life can be a mystery. Live each day, be your best, God will take care of the rest.

Simplifying Isn't Necessarily Simple

I have come to the conclusion that it is time to simplify my life. The last few years have been so overwhelming that I am ready to scale back and slow down. I feel caught in a never ending battle with the mountains of laundry and dishes, I'm consistently nagged by the growing stack of paper and bills at the end of my kitchen counter (I hate filing) and at every corner of our house there is a project waiting to be finished or begging us to begin. Its enough to make a sane person nuts. At the end of the day I am left feeling completely exhausted with little energy to do anything for myself. I have finally surrendered to the thought that something has to give. So, this overworked and stressed out Mom Googled "simple life." Now in this world of sustainability sages and green gurus you would think that there would be at least one simplicity website that is actually simple. If they are out there, then the Google guys have not found them. It seems to me that if a person is looking to simplify their life then the last thing they want to do is read long, drawn out articles on the simple life in order to find some nuggets of practical advice. Most of the sites I found were full of words. In fact, I was overwhelmed the minute the sites appeared onto the screen. Shouldn't a website on simplicity be....I don't know...SIMPLE? I suppose that it really is not a difficult concept. Simple means simple. I have to evaluate what is really important to me and eliminate anything that isn't. For example, I love my home, but it is a lot of work. I don't plan on moving anytime soon, but I have decided that we have way to much stuff. My first step in simplifying is to begin spending the next month cleaning out my home. This isn't rock science and I periodically do this anyways. But this time I want to include simple ways to keep things less cluttered....I need to create some new habits that will help me avoid non-stop cleaning. I need time back for myself and I'm the only one that can make that happen since I am the only neat freak in my household. During my simple search I did find one idea that I want to try. I found an article that talked about taking a home vacation. The idea was to think about what you like about going away on vacation. Do you like the hotel room, the destination or being pampered? Take those ideas and think about how you can incorporate them into your daily life. Set a date that you want to begin your vacation and then look for ways to make it happen. If the difficulty is that your home is the last place you think of when you say vacation, then begin with making your home less distracting. For example, if the paperwork bothers you, then work to eliminate the paperwork before the date you have set for your home vacation. The goal is to try and reduce or eliminate distraction. Next step is to unplug; no cell phones, laptops, t.v.'s, etc. I think that is self explanatory so I won't elaborate. If the bills really get you distracted then go to your post office and stop your mail for two weeks as if you are actually going out of town. Be sure to pay all your bills before your vacation so that you don't need to worry about your mail or getting online. Write yourself a note if you need to so you can see that each bill has been paid and you don't need to stress. Lastly, the article says to be your own concierge. The author had some ideas on this one, but my interpretation is a little different. Since I like the whole hotel experience I would stock my bathroom with spa items like big fluffy towels. I have collected a ton of hotel soaps and shampoos from past trips, so I would put my regular stuff away and set out the mini bottles each day. That way I will actually use up all those mini bottles collecting dust and I can begin collecting again. Of course my bathroom would get a good cleaning before my planned vacation. Since vacation to me also includes stress free meals I would plan several meals out at my favorite restaurants (after all, I'm not paying for a hotel or rental car.) For the rest of the time I would cook and freeze at least two weeks worth of meals and buy several items for a daily "complimentary" continental breakfast. I may even buy some mini chocolate mints for my pillow. During the day it will be business as usual, but I will plan my weekends during my "vacation" period to be peaceful and full of leisurely activities (or no activities at all.) At least two of the weekends during my vacation I will plan for babysitters. Activities will include several outings to local attractions. In Houston we are fortunate to have a plethora of choices. So, I really like the home vacation idea. It incorporates fun into life but also keeps the budget in check and doesn't severely interrupt daily life. I think the ultimate goal is that in planning a home vacation, you may also find ideas that help you make every day life simply. It may sound goofy and definitely not a substitute for a get away vacation. But by taking a home vacation I think that I could change the monotony of the regular routine and perhaps begin to develop habits that may make my life a little easier and fun at the same time. I'll try it out and blog my findings. In the spirit of simplicity, I'll end here, but my simple life experiment is only just beginning. I will start my home vacation the week after my second oldest graduates June 7, 2009. Stay tuned.

Let your actions speak so Loud

There is a saying that I heard several years ago that said "let your actions speak so loud I cannot hear what you say." I don't know where I heard it, but it made a lot of sense to me. I grew up in the era where children where told to "do as I say, not as I do." Even as a kid I recognized the statement to be a little unfair but I didn't have the capacity to understand that it was simple hypocrisy. This is the very reason that Christians are called to the carpet. The world will quickly point out when we are acting contrary to the scriptures we like to tout. So often we drivel on and on about what we profess to believe, but lack the fortitude to do anything about it. We like to quote scriptures and get into nonsensical debate about how we are right about this and that,but when it comes to living it out the testament numbers dwindle. In one breath a scripture is quoted and in the next a profanity. The dichotomy is a direct reflection into the heart of men. In other words, when we become a believer (aka Christians) our sin nature doesn't automatically disappear. But if we are growing and maturing Christians, it shouldn't be easy to profess the one and not feel ashamed of the other. Growing as a Christian has nothing to do with posting a scripture on our Facebook or MySpace. It doesn't mean that we simply go to church every Sunday and put on our moral face mask. Where the rubber meets the road is in the daily routine of life.

I went to Wednesday night service tonight and I have to admit that I didn't really want to be there. I fidgeted in my sit throughout the entire sermon. My mind kept drifting to my budget, then on a project for work and then to the weekend plans. Everytime this happens I have to force myself to pay attention. I have learned that the more I am feeling distracted or reluctant to be at church or to listen to a sermon, the more I have to fight to attend or pay attention. I know that there is something that I need to hear, otherwise I would not be feeling so incredibly distracted. I was on the edge of my seat tonight ready to run for the door. But, I stayed the course. The last bullet point to the lesson was that relationships are essential for reaching people for the gospel. I know that isn't a huge aww haaa moment, but there is more. I've begun to realize that God is trying to tell me that nothing really matters in this life other than relationships. When God is trying to drive a point home with me His spirit usually confirms the point by repeating the same "message" to me in different ways. Sometimes it is in my scripture reading, a radio message or a bullet point in a sermon. I can usually count on the fact that if I have heard it three times, then He wants me to pay attention. The last twenty or more years of my life I have had a myriad of rocky relationships. I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. (Though one of them was a failed marriage.) As I look back I realize that I have to take a long, hard look at my role in those relationships. I was listening to one of my favorite Christian counselors on the radio today (June Hunt) and she was talking about co-dependency and what we have to do when we have allowed ourselves to be in bad relationships. She used the analogy of a surgeon that has just informed a patient that they have cancer. Now, the surgeon could say "oh, you have cancer but I don't want to cause you any pain so I won't operate" or "you have cancer, therefore we need to operate. It may hurt, but we need to get the cancer out so you will be better." The same thing is true when it comes to relationships. Its important to look at ourselves and determine the things that we need to remove in our lives that have resulted in bad decisions or even bad relationships. The process may hurt, but in the end it is for our good. If you read the Bible for any length of time it is easy to see that God's primary goal and ultimate "purpose" for our life is relationships. Primarily our relationship with God through his Son, Jesus is first and foremost and everything else flows from that. Others become our next focus so that our lives may represent something different and we are able to give God the glory. But instead of taking on the endeavour of building relationships we decide that it is so much easier to quote scripture and get our religious armament stocked. We like to have battles and wage war and ignore our true purpose. Scripture tells us clearly that the battle is not ours to wage. The battle is the Lords. Instead, we are to rely on him and our daily lives should be a reflection of that relationship. As we grow and mature we begin to empty ourselves of selfish ambitions to reach out to a hurting and dying world. This takes time though and most of us want everything in an instant; instant messaging, instant pudding, instant coffee, instant Christianity. I have some work to do on this one myself. I enjoy instant gratification just like everyone else. Relationships take work and quite frankly they are difficult for me. I also have many battle scars to overcome. It takes time to build relationships and even more time to rebuild them. But as I live in the reflection of Jesus, my actions will speak louder than any words that I say. Just my thoughts on this ordinary Wednesday evening.

Rainy Friday

Its late Friday afternoon and its raining. I'm sitting in my car typing this blog on my laptop while I wait for my daughters bus. About two years ago we enrolled Jaime at Texas School for the Deaf. TSD is located in Austin, Texas. It was a difficult decision for me to make because it meant that Jaime would attend school in Austin for the week, stay in a dorm and then return home every weekend. It is parenting long distance. So many factors are involved, but I'll save that for another blog. The school charters a bus every weekend to send the kids to their home towns on Friday and then they send the bus back every Sunday to pick them up and take them back to Austin. Its quite an endeavour. The drawback is that I have to take her to the drop off location which is located about 30 minutes from our house and also pick her up every Friday afternoon. My office isn't too far from the drop/pick up site, so I usually try to finish my Fridays at the office so I'm able to meet her in time. Thankfully the drop off location is at a McDonalds/Chevron. The McDonalds has wifi, so I'm able to get on the Internet while I wait. Now that I've explained that, I'm sitting here watching the rain and waiting. The bus is late and I imagine that is attributed to the whether. Rain is like that. It tends to slow things down, cause delays. I've had some bad experiences in the rain. I was hit by a car that ran a red light. It just happened to be raining when I was hit and the slick conditions caused my car to spin. I can't say for sure how long I was spinning, but it seemed like a dozen times. I was okay, but my car wasn't. That was several years ago, but I'm still scarred by the experience. I have a tendency to look both ways at a four way even when my light is green. I'm cautious just in case there is some person not paying attention. In contrast, rain also has a calming affect on me. I love to sit inside on a rainy day, drink a cup of tea or coffee and read a good book (assuming that I am alone in the house and everyone is gone of course) or take a nap (which I rarely do.) Rainy days make me stop "doing." Anyone who knows me well understands that sitting still is not easy for me to do. The rain forces me to stop. It gives me permission to rest. I like that. I need it too. Happy rainy Friday. Jaimes bus has arrived.

New Life...out with the old...in with the new

This week has been interesting. I really wanted to have some deep introspection during holy week, but instead I found trouble hitting me from all sides. I must admit that I have felt very defeated and even a bit angry. I have found life to be very disappointing. I think that is exactly what the enemy doesn't want me to have, deep introspection, especially when the focus is on my saviour. At the same time, most of my disappointments have come from the choices I've made so I'm not sure if I am angry at anyone by myself. Have you ever tried to be angry at yourself? Trust me when I say its not very productive. So how does someone go in a different direction? If life has handed you lemons can you really make "lemonade?" I suppose that the only way to answer that is to look at yourself. I've had to. I've found myself in a miry, muddy pit and each step seems to take enormous effort. So change is in order. My motivation is almost non-existent but the converse to not being motivated is to stay in the pit. So I suppose my real motivation is the reality of where I am. Change is never easy. If it were, everyone would do it. This week has not brought me the enlightenment that I had expected. I wanted "wow" or "amazing" but instead I got a still small voice that said "go in this direction." So, go I will.....once again...its that obedience factor. It won't be easy but I will not do it in my own strength. Again, loss of control is never easy. We will see what happens....updates to follow. Happy Easter!

Passion

I have decided to observe Lent this week. I know it is a little late to begin the observance, but I am pretty sure that I don't have the discipline to abstain from any one thing for forty days. Six days seems to be more doable. I am actually a protestant, so observing an official liturgical calendar is a voluntary endeavour. Nevertheless, something in me likes the notion of giving up something or denying oneself to reflect. I love the Easter season. I think that of all the holidays this is the one that causes a deeper reflection. I often ponder what that week must have been like for Jesus. I suppose scripture gives us all we need to know. Jesus started the week riding in town on a donkey (which fulfilled prophecy believe it or not) and was cheered by the crowds "Hosanna, Hosanna! He ended the week in unmerited humiliation as the crowds spat on him and this time they yelled "crucify, crucify" (prophecy fulfilled again.) What a paradox! Somewhere in between Jesus prayed and asked the Father to "take this cup from me, yet not my will but thine be done." I think of how deeply Jesus prayed, so much so that his perspiration was tinged with blood. I don't know if I can fathom praying so hard that your blood vessels break. I know I have never prayed that deeply before. Jesus knew what he was called to do and I can't imagine the agony he was feeling in the garden. Yet, he said "not my will but thine be done. " I think that is the reality I am pondering this Easter season. So much of what I am called to do is not necessarily what I want to do. But I am learning how to pray "not my will Lord, but your will be done." It is easier said than done. But, Jesus endured the cross for my sake. I will never experience the suffering that He endured. I will never face the same rejection, humiliation, and disgrace that was placed upon his shoulders. So this week I will decide to deny myself. I will take up my cross and I will reflect on the sacrifice made for me. It isn't a great effort, but I suppose it is better than no effort at all. The beautiful thing is that Jesus' effort was enough. My debt "paid in full." I wonder if others are as reflective as I am this week. I wonder if others are taking some time to be more fully aware of the price that was paid. On the other hand, I also realize that this week will not mean anything other than bunnies and chocolate to some. And still there are others that will continue to despise him, spit on his name and refuse to accept the merciful grace that he so freely gives. My prayer is that this week I will walk a little closer to Him and share, in my own very small and insignificant way, His passion.

Se la Vie

Nothing replaces sleep. Lately my life has been so busy that restful sleep seems to allude me. To make matters worse my household has had a case of the flu (thankfully not of the regurgitation variety.) The all night coughing and general misery has caused many sleepless nights. Finally my body said "enough!" I went to bed last night feeling an exhaustion that can only be cured by a very deep Rem experience. I am happy to report that I achieved recuperative rest. Of course, now that I have successfully recharged my battery, the list of things to do awaits me. I don't know that anything on my list is necessarily life altering, but nevertheless they are things that need to be completed at some point. My driven personality and new sense of energy causes me to think that I can tackle my list and achieve optimal completion of at least half of the items dutifully numbered in order of priority. Ha! Deep down I know better, but I will still exhaust my new found energy in the attempt to check things off the preverbial list. By the end of the day the light on my dashboard will begin to flash with the nagging "you're almost on empty" signal and I will once again be reminded that I can't "do it all" in one day. Sleep will beckon and beg me to put down the list so I can refuel my battery. It seems to be a viscious cycle. Of course, blogging is not one of the things that I "must" do, so I suppose its time to refocus. Oh well.. Se la vie!

Sweet Sixteen J'aime

My baby girl is turning sixteen next week. Jaime is a special girl. I know everyone says that about their children, but Jaime truly is special. Since the day she was born I knew that something was different about her. Call it mothers intuition, but I knew that something was wrong. It would be 15 years later when test results would confirm my suspicians and answer years of questions. It all began in the hospital when the pediatrician announced that Jaime would need to wear a brace for the first 5-6 months of her life. She was born with hip dysplasia. Basically her hip was dislocated and she would need to wear a brace until her joints matured enought to keep the socket in place. Jaime was such a sweet baby. She slept through the night from day one. About the age of three I began to notice that Jaime wasn't meeting many of her milestones. She always seemed to be delayed in everything. As the months and days unfolded in her life, several other physical conditions presented themselves. I'll make a long story short by saying, two eye surgeries, bi-lateral hearing loss, floppy larynx, years of occupational and speech therapy, ASD heart surgery, mild retardation and one genetics test result later, we discover that Jaime is missing part of her chromosome 17. Its a teeny tiny part, but seemingly huge in the world of the human body. We didn't have Jaime tested until about a year ago. Most people would have had a genetics test much earlier with a child presenting so many issues. But, through divine providence, it was better for us to have waited. If we had tested her any earlier than a few years ago, we would not have been given the same results. Genetics testing has made great strides in the last few years with new technology. They do something now called DNA microarray, which basically means they can look deeper into the genes. Several years ago they would not have seen anything wrong with Jaime. Through the microarray, they were able to see deep into her genes and find the missing link. Though this may seem like good news, it really doesn't afford us much information. There are only three documented cases of this genetic deletion and all of them are adults. Jaime, as far as we know, is the only documented case at her age. Basically, this means that we don't have a lot of information to help her. It is trial and error. So you see, Jaime really is special in more ways than one. She is sweet, loving, kind, sensitive, and in most cases a very normal teenager. It has been a bumpy road to sweet sixteen. Many challenges along the way and the future is unclear. One thing is for sure, Jaime is a special gift from God to me. I've learned a lot about myself through Jaime. I've learned that life isn't perfect. I've learned that patience is truly a virtue. I've learned that love isn't always about what you receive but what you give. I named Jaime after the french word J'aime which means " I love." It fits her. Happy Sweet sixteen J'aime Laree Janecka!

This is tough

I must admit that I thought blogging would be easier. I'm so impressed by other bloggers. Many of the bloggers (including some of my family and friends) have very clear objectives when they blog. Others focus on whatever fancy thought enters their minds for the day. I have about six drafts waiting to be published. I can't seem to find the time to finish my thoughts and then translate them into an understandable message. I get frustrated and close down the process with great intentions to come back to it later. Perhaps this isn't for me. I don't know. I'm not even sure what compels me to do this. I have always been opinionated and I guess the purpose of a blog is to extol my views in an online format to an unseen audience that may only consist of one person (namely me.) Does that mean I need affirmation that my opinions are valid? Too Freudian....I'll leave that alone. I think I just need to post something so I feel like I'm not completely inept at blogging. So here it is. I'll post it now.

Marriage lessons in "Two Steps" or more

This year I decided that I wanted to do some things that I've been putting off for years. The beginning of each year I write out a "things to do" list for the year. I prefer not to call them resolutions. They are more like goals in my mind. Unfortunately life always seems to happen and my goal list turns into the typical resolution list. This year I made the decision to actually accomplish some goals and to place my obstacles and objections on the back burner. The top of my list included dance lessons. I didn't ask my husband, I just signed us up (I know what you're thinking, but this is not part of our marriage lessons today.) Something about paying for the lessons in advance has motivated us to actually show up. We had four lessons, one for each Saturday of February. I decided to sign us up for the Country and Western dance class I.

Lesson I:
We were late to our first class (next on the goal list "improve our ability to arrive on time.")
In the first lesson we learned the basic step. It goes like this; slow step, slow step, quick step, quick step or slow, slow, quick, quick. So this is why it is called "The Two Step." This actually seemed pretty easy. We felt confident. I equate the basic step to falling in love and getting married. That was easy too. The week after our first lesson we were excited and practiced a lot (again, falling in love and getting married..easy.) We put our best foot forward, careful not to "step on toes." The more we practiced the more comfortable we were with the basic step.
Lesson II:
We were late again (though only a few minutes this time.) The dance instructor focused our attention to the rules of dancing. I know this may come as a shock to those of you that define yourselves as progressive so feel free to ignore lesson II if it offends you. Not unlike marriage, dancing requires one leader and one follower. If two people are trying to lead, lots of toe stepping occurs. If two people are following, you don't go anywhere. It works best when the gentleman (notice I didn't just say "man") leads the woman. It works even better if the woman actually follows the man (trust me on this one, I have experience.) Now back to that word "gentleman." Men hear me on this one. If your shoulders are straight and strong and you hold her correctly and gently, you will lead her. Notice I didn't say, "if you get the footwork right." Yes, this is the secret in leading, shoulders straight, strong and gently guiding her where you want her to go. This is important because in lesson II we learned how to do turns (although I wanted to spin, but that is the Country and Western II class...I knew I was advanced.) So men, if you want to turn your lady, you need to lead her.
LESSON III:
Okay, I know its getting old but, we were running late. My husband reminds me of the time and we both start to rush to get ready. Of course, we kept getting in each others way. Then I remember that I still have to take our son to work before our class starts in thirty minutes. Naturally tensions are high, we got frustrated with each other. There was a fight. (Now we are talking real life marriage.) Ironically, we are headed to lesson III where we are learning the promenade and conversation. Hmmm, proof God has a sense of humor. So, I leave in a huff to take my son to work, not sure if my dear hubby is going to go to the class. I get there before him and call. I very pointedly say "so, are you coming?" To which he replies "I'm on my way." I have to say I was a little relieved. After all, we paid for the classes. We show up in separate cars neither of us "feeling" like dancing. Nevertheless, we walk in and learned the promenade and conversation. I could take this one in so many directions, but I believe the point is that sometimes in marriage, you just need to show up even if you don't feel like it.
LESSON IV:
We made it on time this week (I'm not making this up.) We had spent the day together with two of our kiddos. Nothing exciting, but it was a good day. The last dance lesson was icing on the cake. Interestingly, we were one of two couples that showed up for the last lesson. Basically, we received some private instruction. It was fun to rehearse our moves and just enjoy dancing together. As I thought about our last lesson it occured to me that over the last month the class had slowly dwindled down to two couples. Isn't that a paradox for marriage today. So few people really make it to the end. Its sad, because if they had just held on a little longer, they could have learned to dance. Okay, a little corney I admit. But marriage isn't. It can be tough sometimes. With each lesson you learn a little more. As you begin to learn new principles then you must put them into practice. Before you know it you are dancing. The key is that you learn something and then practice what you have learned. So go take some dance lessons and maybe we will see you in Country and Western II or maybe the Salsa (ooohh I wonder what marriage lessons I can get from that one...may not be suitable for younger audiences.)

How do I love thee.....

Sonnet 43 - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.



I do not have the genius that is Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I have attempted poetry at times, but nothing that compares to the depth of Ms. Browning. I think she must have been a very passionate person to have written in such a way that her poetry is known to this day. Even if you don't know the poem in its entirety, most likely you have heard the words "how do I love thee, let me count the ways." The passage is a familiar one. When I read the poem I tend to think of it as an expression of her love for God. The sonnet is the most famous in a series of sonnets called "Sonnets from the Portuguese." Portuguese is a pet name given to her from Mr. Browning during their courtship since the sonnets followed the Portuguese style. But when I read this particular sonnet, I am struck by how it seems to be a sonnet written to God. I think it would make sense to say this even though the sonnet was written during the time of her courtship with Mr Browning. Elizabeth was a very educated woman for her time. She learned several languages and read the entire Old Testament in Hebrew. Elizabeth also had health issues and they were aggravated by a tragic boating accident that took the life of her brother. She was profoundly affected by this loss and was confined to her bedroom for five years. She continued to read and write prolifically, while continuing to produce her poetry. Mr. Browning, a famous poet in his own right, read some of Elizabeths' work and wrote to tell her how much he loved her writing. Their courtship began, but Elizabeth could scarcely believe that he loved her since she was so much older and in such poor health. So this famous sonnet seems to me to be an attempt to understand the depths of love and how it is attained.

The first passage sets the stage "How do I love thee, let me count the ways." Simple enough, she is stating the obvious. The next passage that says "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of being and ideal grace" reminds me of the passages in scripture that commands us to "love the Lord with all our heart, with all our mind and with all our soul (and with all our strength in Mark and Luke. Reference Deut. 6.5, Matthew 22.37, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27.) When we feel alone and "out of sight" or when we come to the end of ourselves, it is then that we see our need for Gods love. To understand Gods love is to understand unmerited favor (ie. grace) and the gift that he so freely offers every person through His son, Jesus. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8.)" Elizabeth is pointing out that true love is emptying ourselves and accepting perfect grace. "Ideal grace" can only be attributed to the grace given through Jesus. To accept this grace is to experience Gods love for us and then reflected through us onto others.

"I love thee to the level of everydays need, by sun or candlelight." The imagery of light is so relevant to the image of God. John 12:46 says " I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." Jesus came into the world to light the way to the father. He fills the darkness with light just as a candle illuminates a dark room. We can feel Gods love in that He knows us and loves us enough to care about our most basic everyday needs. Whether our needs are as obvious as the brightest of light like the sun or hidden needs only known by us and seen by God like the the candlelight in the darkness. He knows our every need (Matthew 6:25-34.) When we know that the Lord will supply our basic needs, we are able to love freely.

"I love thee freely, as men strive for right" No matter what is happening in the world whether its the economy, wars, violence, or persecution. Regardless of what our politicians are striving to do and their views of what is "right," love is freely given by God and we can feel confident in that despite what is happening in the world. Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38.)

"I love thee, purely as they turn from Praise." While men strive to do the "right" in their own eyes, they forget about the creator of "right." If we fail to praise the one that sets the standard we move further and further away from purity. To love with a pure heart means that we are close to the one that is purest of all. When we walk with the purest of love we are able to praise Him. If we don't, then we walk away from praise. Hebrews 13:15-17 states: "Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. " Its interesting to me how Ms. Browning weaves together the notion that in order to love freely we must love others despite whether they deserve it or agree with our views. Our leaders and authorities are accountable ultimately to God. Yet, we are to continue in love and submission even if the leaders do not appear to give praise to God. Ultimately they will be judged for their decisions. Yet we can still love freely and with purity.

Okay, I'll take a breath here.

Now, "I love thee with the passions put to use in my old griefs, and with childhoods faith." I believe that this passage references how we can sometimes pursue worldly passions. Whether it is a person, a career, or the accumulation of things, we seek the things that ignite a passion in us. But sometimes our passions are misdirected. More often than not our passions can lead us to grief. We can be blinded by our our desires and make foolish decisions. But, if we direct our passion to the pursuit of Jesus, with the faith of a child, then we can truly experience fulfillment. Hebrews 11:6 states "without faith, it is impossible to please God." In Luke 18:17, our faith must be child-like "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." To come to Jesus as a child means that we are fully trusting and without reservation. To release our passions to His care and trust that he will fill us up is a path to a kind of love that only He can give.

"I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints" seems to reference the loss of Elizebeths' beloved brother. My grandfather is the only person I have lost that was near to me. But I know that I will see him again someday since I know he was a Christian and loved Jesus. In scripture, believers are described as "saints." I think Elizabeth is saying that she can still love God despite the fact that He called one of his "saints" and one of her loved ones home. Even though I can' t say for sure that her brother was a believer, I can't help but think she is referencing people that she has lost. Finally, she says "I love you with the breath, smiles, tears and all my life! and, if God choose, shall love thee better after death." The conclusion is that through all of lifes' ups and downs and even to the very breath that we breathe, if we can appreciate Gods love for us in the everyday then perhaps in eternity we will truly experience and understand the depths of His love even more.

I suppose I may have over-analyzed the poem. But, given what I have read of Ms. Browning I can't help but to see the spiritual side in her work. I am sure that the poem at its basic level is reflecting the love she has for Mr. Browning. I am definetly not an expert in poetry, but this is what the poem says to me. I can only speculate on what Elizabeth Browning was thinking when she wrote the sonnet. She seemed to be a remarkable woman, deeply intellectual and equally spiritual. I don't think she could define the love she had for her Mr Browning without understanding the love she had for God. In order to love someone that deeply we can't ignore the creator and giver of love.

1 John 3:1-3
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears,we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.

Here I Go...

Okay, now that I have officially set up a blog site my mind has gone completely blank. I have nothing remotely cleaver to say. So I will begin my blog by simply saying "hello." I decided to begin a blog for no other reason than to keep a record of my thoughts. I don't claim to be an expert in any particular area or topic. I often find that I get lost in long conversations with myself (not in a schizophrenic manner); rather, a streaming thought process that dances between the everyday list of "things to do" and conversations between a woman and her beloved creator. Some may call it prayer but I prefer conversations. I vacillate between the mundane to the profound. Of course, I have a tendency to talk when I need to listen (don't we all.) I would not classify my thoughts or conversations as brilliant or deeply philisophical. Sometimes I simply have ideas that need remembering. Other times I don't want to forget a thought process that seems to be embedded with messages from God floating in the waters of my consiousness like driftwood on a rushing river quickly disappearing out of sight. Thus, the blog. I want to remember and look back to see how far I have come. If you find this blog and you read something that touches you, let me know. I'm looking forward to discovering what God can do through this medium. I will say without apology that I believe that Jesus is the son of God. I believe in the triune God. I believe in Gods infallable, inherent Word (the Bible.) I believe that God came to this earth leaving the majesty of His throne to become a man. He was and is fully divine and fully man. He died on a sinners cross (though He was sinless) to pay the penalty for mans sin (aka my sin.) All he asks of us is that we accept that we are sinners and accept the gift of salvation through His sons death, burial and resurrection that paid the penalty for our sin. I will save the topics of justification and sanctification for another day. Now, having said all that, if you don't believe the way I do or you want to argue the finer points of your theology or lack thereof, please don't post any negative statements here and move on. If you have questions for me, I'll answer them to the best of my ability (with the power of His ability.) Okay, now that we have that settled I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you and receiving feedback in kind. God Bless.

Welcome

"Rhema (ρημα) Greek ; an utterance (indiv., collect. or spec.); by implication a matter or 'topic' (esp. of narration, command or dispute). From the primary verb Rheo (ρηω) to flow or run , as water; and the suffix ma(μα) , a finite dispensation or portion (eg. "charis", grace ; but "charisma", a portion of grace, (spiritual) gift" (Wikipedia.)